I hate the fact that he has to take Viagra to have sex with me

Question:

 

My partner is 57. I'm 52. We've been together for six years and we get on really well. Both of us had been unhappily married in the past, so we greatly value the good relationship we have now.

When we got together, we had a terrific sex life. I was amazed because I'd never enjoyed sex much with my ex-husband. But, unfortunately, a couple of years ago, my partner began to have problems with his erection.

This was a pretty miserable time, but eventually he went to the GP, who put him on Viagra.

We have to pay for this – because my partner doesn't qualify for that kind of help on the NHS.

Now, when he takes the Viagra, he does get a stiff erection and we can have good sex. He is really relieved, because he'd been worried that our love life was at an end.

But I'm uncomfortable with him having to take pills. I suppose I feel that if he really desired me, he'd be able to make love without medication. I also hate the fact that sex can no longer be so spontaneous – as we have to decide if we're going to do it, and then he has to take the pill, and then we have to wait a good hour till it takes effect.

Am I being unreasonable? I just don't feel that this way of going on is natural.

Christine replies...

I can see why you might prefer a love life that wasn't dependent on medication.

In an ideal world, your man would be having as many effective erections as you and he both wanted.

But the truth is that he has been having problems for a while, and they're not likely to go away without treatment.

Your partner did the sensible thing and went to his doctor; he was prescribed Viagra, which is the most popular of the anti-impotence drugs.

Presumably, the doctor ruled out the various physical conditions – such as diabetes – that might have caused his erection difficulties?

I knows it's tough luck that your man can no longer automatically become, and stay, stiff. But this happens to masses of men as they age; it's a fact of life.

You feel that what is happening is not 'natural'. But for thousands of years, the 'natural' consequence of your partner's condition would have meant that the two of you would no longer have been able to have satisfying intercourse.

Would that have been better? I don't think so.

It might help if you imagine what would have happened to your sex life had the two of you encountered these problems prior to 1998. That was when Viagra became available for treating erectile dysfunction or ED.

Believe me, losing potency is just about the worst thing that can happen to men. It really chips away at their self-esteem and they often feel useless and emasculated.

Of course, guys who can't get erections can still satisfy their women by means of oral or manual stimulation. But, nevertheless, many of them feel that they're not 'real men'.

On top of that, if a bloke can't get an erection he has little chance of achieving any real pleasure or relief for himself. All of these difficulties can have a very negative impact on the quality of a couple's relationship.

You say that you feel that if he really desired you, he would be able to have intercourse without the pills. This is not true. In actual fact, anti-impotence drugs have no impact on libido.

What they do is help men who want to have sex, to manage it. None of the drugs available for ED make men sexier, or raise their levels of desire.

I would say that many men become more enthusiastic about sex once they take Viagra, for the simple reason that they regain confidence in their own performance.

But none of the anti-impotence drugs magically make someone feel desire if there is no desire in the first place.

Most couples who are able to be intimate together and to have satisfying sex believe that their relationships are enhanced by this closeness.

And I hope that you can come to feel more comfortable about your partner's problem, and also about him taking medication to alleviate it.

You might want to consider going together to see the doctor to discuss the various other drugs available for ED. Cialis, for example, gives the man a longer window of opportunity than Viagra, which means that it goes on working for longer.

Some couples prefer it – because they feel it gives them back a greater degree of spontaneity